Wednesday, August 30, 2006
2 more days until I am at my mother's house.
Warm and happy, cracking up at my brother.
I adore the Mother and my brother.
They are two wonderful people who make my life here on this nutty earth,
They are my rock.
I'm glad that I chose to be with them this time around.
I'm super home sick right now. The way I see it I will be going home the weekend after too.
I need to be with them right now.
To be totally accepted, understood and unconditionally loved.
I'm thanking God in advance for clear weather on Friday, and not a flight delay that LGA is so famous for.
I went to the dentist the other day for a normal cleaning and for the dentist to check out the area of my gums that is swollen.
The swollen area is right above a cap that I had placed over a very slim tooth when I was about 10 years old.
(I honestly believe that my tooth was extra slimas a side effect from my fathers drug use)
The cap is tiny and the gum area is huge.
It looks kinda strange but it doesn't hurt.
Actually most people don't notice it, or at least they don't say anything to me about it.
Prior to this appointment, i just assumed that my cap has been irritating my gum causing it to swell.
My dentist, Dr. Cooper, informs me that she thinks I have a granuloma. She explained to me that it is like an overgrowth of cell tissue, and that she wanted me to go the the oral surgeon so that he can do a biopsy of the affected area.
She them proceeds to tell me that i have 3 small cavaties that she wants to fill.
People, I panicked!
I have never had a cavity in 28 almost 29 years.
The mother was fanatical about my brother and I going to the dentist every 6 months.
But that wasn't the real reason for my panic-----
Who was going to pay for this.
If we lived in a country with free health care, I wouldn't care.
You want to cut a section of my puffy gums go ahead.
You need to stick a needle into my molars-no problem.
But damn, if I'm not trying to get a head on my bills and raise my credit score and I have tons of dental work that needs to be done and paid for.
Insurance will cover 80% and I'm still trying to figure out if they cover the Oral Surgeon.
So I leave the dentist office call my mother who is totally calm.
I am freaking out, so much so that I am wandering the city, talking on my cell.
At one point I got disorriented and wasn't sure where I was.
My mother is telling me to calm down it will work out.
I head home and try to sleep.
I wake up and I can't figure out why I'm still freaking out.
Then it hits me...
My mother doesn't live here.
I will have to go to get my biopsy--A-L-O-N-E.
My RN of a mother, who totally takes wonderful care of you when your sick, lives in Indianapolis.
I do have my Uncle here but he has limited bedside manor and would probably be out of town on buisness.
So at 6 am, I call my mother and demand that she explain whats going on with my gums. I felt like she was holding back the truth from fear of me having a full blown anxiety attack!
My brain (with no medical background)had tried to figure it out and came up with this solution:
My swollen gum is the equivalent of finding a lump in your breast!
So needless to say I was shook up.
My mother sternly reminded me that she graduated from a 4 year nursing program from Indiana University and that if she wasn't worried I shouldn't be worried.
Then she sent me this web link-http://www.emedicine.com/derm/topic651.htm
(Warning:The pics are gross and the only pic that ooks remotely like my gums is the 2nd picture. And my gums are still not as puffy as that)
I felt better but was still nervous about going alone to my appointment.
"DUH! Take the Redheaded Aunt!" stated my mother. (God bless her for dealing with my anxiety)
So I proceeded to call and wake up the Redheaded Aunt, who said it wasn't a problem and even told me that:
She would hold my hand during a pap smear, if I needed her.
Awww, aint that love!
Needless to say I've calmed down.
It isn't the end of the world, and the Queen of Candy-KSD- has even walked me through the steps of getting a cavity filled!
I'll make it after all!
Friday, August 25, 2006
I've been thinking a lot about my ex.
The one that in all the years I've known him (since '92) never officially became my boyfriend.
We just would date off and on, on and off.
But honestly, he was and I'm sure still is a great guy.
(Just ask Moosh, she still has hope in her heart that we will find our way back to each other)
I liked the fact that I could be sarcastic and not hurt his feelings, hell he was being sarcastic with me!
I liked his quick wit.
I loved his sense of humor. It was the exact same as mine. We would call each other up and say only you would think this was funny and crack up laughing.
I remember one time, after he told me he decided to make another girl his woman, he called me to tell me they were at the movies and this part made him bust up laughing.
He realized he was the only one in the movie theatre laughing and his girl gave him a weird look. He said he wished he had seen it with me because I would have been laughing too.
I liked the way he looked-he had nice teeth and feet both of which are very important to me.
I liked that he had a nick name for me. No one ever has a nick name for me, and I love nick names. They are endearing and they make you feel extra loved.
I liked other things that I won't write in this blog because my family reads it! *smile*
I had to cut him out of my life because I was nutz for him and he had someone else. I tried to just be his "friend" but that didn't go well because my heart would get in the way.
My heart is always getting in the way but I love that about myself.
I love that I love hard.
I just want to be loved that well back. I deserve it and will wait for it for -I know it is in my destiny to come.
It wasn't meant to be.
He just never felt as strongly for me as I did for him.
because I AM WONDERFUL, but I have to trust the GOD has someone even better.
I mean if I thought this guy was great, my husband will blow my natural mind!
I believe that and trust that, but until he comes I will be feeling like Jill Scott saying-
"I was just thinking about you, wondering what you've been up to..."
I've been very uninspired to blog this week.
Blame it on the nut job CEO of my company-who is a big baby but I'll blog about that another day.
Alas, I was reading someone else's blog and she asked the age old question:
Can men and women be friends?
Then I started to question my platonic friendships.
There was T, who I admit when I first met him in 2000, I did have a crush on him.
But to be honest, I always have a crush on someone.
Anyhoo, I always thought we were just platonic friends who went out to dinner occasionally, until one the day he went to a poetry slam with me, my brother, and Moosh.
One of the poets starts to spit about being in love with his friend, and how it just drives him crazy when she talks to him about other guys and how hw wishes she could see how much he loves her.
While this was going on T, stood up and was shouting:
"that's right" and "say that's"
like it was Sunday morning at Mt. Moriah Missionary Baptist.
Then he turned, grabbed the side of my face and planted a juicy kiss on my cheek!
Moosh, my brother, and I had the same bewildered "what the hell just happened"look on our faces.
I was in shock, but the mother was quick to tell me that any fool could tell he liked me.
I was clueless.
I was still clueless when he needed a place to stay and I offered him Moosh/Kim's old bedroom.
You can imagine the drama that ensued when you pair a girl, who is used to living alone or with roommates who totally understand that when your door is closed it means you need alone time, with a guy that likes said girl but has never told her.
So needless to say all hell broke lose and he said a lot of :
"You never spend time with me, you are always in your room with your door shut talking to your friends"
I said a lot of:
"We aren't a couple we don't have to share everything and have every moment together"
There was way more to our fight but needless to say our friendship is over.
I can't think of any guys that I'm just friends with that aren't gay.
And even my old gay buddy once asked me if we would be together if he was straight.
Oh, I do have one but he is married and we only get together to discuss acting stuff so I wouldn't really call it a friendship.
Do you guys have friendships with the opposite sex?
*and I mean friends-never kissed or held hands or hanging on until he leaves his crazy girlfriend-true friends
KSD all of the guys you were friends with all liked you so they don't count!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
It's about that time of the month for me and I start to crave sweets and mashed potatoes with butter.
My favorite cookie spot in the City, when I don't have time to whip up some homemade ones myself is called:
Ruby et Violette http://www.rubyetviolette.com/
There cookies are soft and gooey!
They have creative flavors like champagne & strawberry chocolate chip and even plain chocolate chip cookies too.
I went there yesterday and ordered the CREME de MENTHE cookies. I have an obsession for the flavor combo of chocolate & mint so I was in heaven.
I didn't think my evening could get any better until the counter lady said:
Counter Lady (CL): Oh, you like mint?
Me: Yes I love it!
CL: Would you like to be my guinea pig?
Me: (huge grin) Oh yes, but I am allergic to nuts!
CL: No, there aren't any nuts in this cookie but I'm testing out next seasons mint offering.
Me: WOW-this taste like an Andes Mint!
CL: That's what it is! Do you like it?
Me: Oh I love it.
CL:Good, that will be our fall mint cookie.
I left thinking how cool it would be to work in a quaint shop and come up with cookie combinations all of the time.
Then I cursed my nut allergy, because I knew they wouldn't hire a girl that couldn't make the nut cookies.
I guess I'm back to acting...
Monday, August 21, 2006
So it is almost Labor Day, and that means-yes-Fall!!!!!!
I know several "Summer Bunnies" will want to end our friendship over this post but I can't help it I love Fall!
I was born in fall.
All hail October 3!!!
Most people feel like the New Year starts January 1.
Fall always means a fresh start-It is when you started a new school year. New clothes, shoes, books, teachers, locker...
Now don't get me wrong I don't hate the other seasons but let me break it down:
It is still cold from WINTER and it is W-E-T! I have to slosh around NYC and on top of everything else my apartment floods in heavy rain...
Is a beautiful season, but it is SUPER hot in the NYC when you have to drag yourself around this hot city on the hot ass subway. There are so many people its just gross and hot as hell. Don't believe me and you'll be proved wrong. Just ask the Mother(who swears she likes it HOT)...
I say this season with dread. I hate it! Let me count the ways-
1. Snow-The only time I like snow is at Christmas. It can fall Christmas Eve and go away January 1. It is pretty to look at in Indiana but hellish to walk around in in the NYC. The city packs all of the snow onto the corners. It eventually turns into gray slush that is ever so hard to remove from your cute boots.
2. COLD Wind & Temps- Enough said. I just want to stay in the house.
3. Countless numbers of dreary gray skies.
4. Lack of color in the natural landscape. Just white and gray. No plush green foliage, or colorful leaves that come in fall.
So that brings me back to FALL.
My baby, my hope my joy.
The air has a tinge of coolness.
You look so dashing in your cute fall jacket.
Your makeup doesn't sweat off.
Uncle JC's soups...
I could go on and on...
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I believe that one of our main objectives her on earth is to learn lessons.
We make mistakes and hopefully become better loving human beings because of them.
We learn all types of lessons in all different areas of our lives.
I grew up with a very "Spirited" mother-who was quick to give ANYONE a tongue lashing!
I love her very much but that part about her I didn't like, so in an effort to not be like her I would sensor myself.
I would keep quiet or not give my opinion, unless I was people that I totally felt comfortable around.
I was a happy person but, I got pushed around a lot because I always went along with everyone else, or just always wanted to be the nice girl.
UNTIL I MOVED TO NEW YORK...
I had to become more assertive to have a place in the City.
I discovered my voice.
It felt good to be Sunshine with an opinion.
It took a lot of people by surprise.
It was hard for people to adjust to me growing.
I lost some "fake" friends and gained some new ones.
In an effort to be true to myself, I went a bit overboard.
I could be overly "frank", or just downright snappy!
All in the name of "being me".
I was hurtful to a couple of people that I loved and that just isn't cool.
Now I'm attempting to heal myself.
I want to be a better person.
But good people still make mistakes.
I can't be so hard on myself.
I am human.
Life is about B-A-L-A-N-A-C-E!
I'm totally about to make an appointment with a therapist...
Monday, August 14, 2006
Friday, August 11, 2006
What qualifies someone to be "family"?
According to Webster's Dictionary a family is:
A group of people sharing common ancestry.
Family is anyone that has mad love for you, and you for them. You have each others backs and take care of one another. They may or may not share "common ancestry".
Here is an example of family (not even blood) being there for me:
Yesterday around 7 p.m. New York City was drenched in a full on Monsoon!
I was stuck under a leaky, rickety piece of scaffolding on 47th & 5th Ave.
(Sidebar-I HATE to be cold & wet, due to the monsoon, I was both! I'm very Kapha, so I wasn't happy)
After my umbrella started to leak-I got a bright idea to call the Redheaded Aunt.
I was praying that she and her car were still in the city.
How happy was I to find that she was on 77th & 5th picking up her boys from her cousins house!
Being the wonderful Aunt that she is she told me that they would wait for me, I just needed to make my way uptown.
And to put icing on the cake:
she told me to hop a cab she would even foot the bill!
But anyone who lives in this CITY knows that it is DAMN near IMPOSSIBLE to get a cab in the rain!
So I swam to Madison Ave and waited for the bus...
Finally the M1 came and we drugged up Madison Ave.
My glorious Williams Clan (Redheaded Aunt, Uncle JC, Juicy J, Snickers & Lil J) had moved the car to 65th & Madison right at the bus stop so I wouldn't get any wetter than I already was!
But being the fool that I am, I just knew that my bus wouldn't stop there and got off at 63rd and was super drenched by the time I got to the car! So goes my life.
As fate would have it, on our ride to New Roc, the song from which my blog was named started playing! How cool was that!
So all of this to say that family can be anyone that you have mad love for and has mad love for you-so much so that they would wait for your butt in the pouring rain!
DISCLAIMER-Redheaded Aunt please don't kill me for saying that we aren't "blood related"! You don't get angry at many things but this topic seems to set you off. You are closer to me than any other Blood Aunt that I have. And that's real! -Sunshine
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I post this with tears in my eyes, because I just found out about the terrorist arrested in London, that had plans on bombing New York, D.C. & California.
All of this in addition to the new World Trade Center movie that I just can't bear to watch. Way too close to home.
The potential mass destruction that the bombs would cause has me all shook up.
Through God's grace I wasn't in NYC during September 11. I was visiting my family in Indianapolis. But I was there a few days later and remember the aftermath.
It was all just too much. I DON'T want to relive it.
And I'm scared...
Monday, August 07, 2006
I've mentioned hooking up with my "Sugar Daddy" in past post. Everyone doesn't know the story so here we go:
I gotta red headed Auntie that moved from cool ass Brooklyn to New Rochelle (New Roc) for a better life for her kids. (Seems to be a trend among people I'm close to-thanks Safiyah!)
So I am forced to travel on Metro North to New Roc.
It really isn't a big deal I hop on the train in Harlem or at Grand Central and in 30 minutes I'm at my Aunt's house eating good food and catching up with Juicy J, Snickers, and the rest of the Williams clan.
Anyhoo-one day im sitting on the train and an older gentleman about around 65, sits next to me. No big deal, its rush hour, so I knew I wouldn't be sitting alone.
Before I go any further let me describe my outfit:
Work clothes= black pants, and a purple twin set.
My hair was in a snatch back that really needed washing. It was barley hanging on.
So you have a visual I was not flossin or looking very Bossy. Just regular.
I am blessed in the chest area so maybe thats what started this but I digress.
Here is the conversation:
Sugar Daddy(SD): Do you work at Rockerfeller Center?
SD: Where do you work?
Me: (nervously) Not too far from there on 6th ave.
SD: I thought I saw you in my building. You must have a twin in my building.
Me: No siblings in NYC!
SD: My office just moved to Rockerfeller. I love it. All of the guys and ladies checking each other out at lunchtime.
Me: Nervous laughter-thinking its weird to hear an older man talking about "checking people out"
SD: My old office was at the Empire State and no one eats outside around there.
Me: Well the weather is so nice that people want to be out. (I start to read my magazine a clear signal that I don't want to talk!)
SD: You know I was talking to one of the ladies in my office. She was telling me all the things women have to do to look good. Clothes, shoes, hair. It seems to get very expensive.
I suggested that women need a clothing allowance.
Me: Wouldn't that be nice.
SD: We could work something out. (Snicker)
SD: This City has so much to offer, but I don't want to go out alone. I'm separated from my wife and I have this great apartment in the City. I told my friends that I need a companion. Just someone to take the the nicest restaurants and see the Broadway shows. I tried the Village Voice. Have you heard of the Village Voice?
Me: Yes (with a shady side glance)
SD: Oh-I didn't get an escort, but I answered some personal ads and people are not what they appear to be on paper. I decided if I see a lady that I like I will just approach her.
Me: Weak smile(translation- "Oh hell to the naw!")
SD: I would pay you $50-$75 an hour to accompany me to the theatre and dinner. All top of the line. We could even discuss the clothing allowance.
Me: I'm not really comfortable with the fact that you are married. (Translation: U have got to be kidding. I'm not interested in sleeping with a wrinkled white man)
SD: separated. (As his wedding band catches a sun ray)
Me: I'm still not comfortable.
SD: No problem
We ride the rest of the way in silence. Then my stop comes.
Me: Well, I'm getting off now. You totally made my evening. (I know I'm too nice)
SD: I could make your night and morning!
I rush off the train. I had a weird mix of wanting to vomit and the need to call everyone I know so we could die laughing!
So now it is the running joke everytime I go see a play or do anything extra curricular-"Did Mr. Grinowsky take you to see the show"-etc. etc. etc.
Needless to say I didn't take him up on his offer, but sometimes I wish I did, when the $$$ is low.
Whats a girl get for INTEGRITY?
I stole this from a friend of a friends blog.
(She said it was ok)
Ten years ago today was August 7, 1996.
I was about to start my sophomore year of college.
I was moving into Howick Hall with my ever faithful roommate Moni-D.
That year was fun!
So much so that I was put on Academic Probation and my dreams of AKA were put on hold for another year.
(I fell out at the mailbox when my fall semester grades came and I didn't have the 2.33 I needed to pledge. AND I mean literally fell out-laid in the snow in a sob of tears! Our neighbors must of thought I got a letter saying I was adopted or something tragic. But in December 1996 not being able to go on the Spring Line was Tragic for me!)
Don't fret I made the DEANS LIST every semester after that with the help of SQ3R!
Here we go:
1) How old were you?
2) Where did you work?
THEN: Summer Job-As a camp counselors & McDonald's front line 5 nights a week NOW: Receptionist (yuck! What I do for benefits & to pay the rent!) Please Lord, let me get paid for acting.
3) Where did you live?
THEN: Indianapolis & Muncie, IN
NOW: NYC, NY-Queens
4) How was your hairstyle?
THEN: Roller Wrap
NOW: Corn Rows for vacation.
5) Did you wear contacts?
NOW : Yes-but I'm considering the Sugar Daddy so he can pay for Lasik.
6) Did you wear glasses?
THEN: Yes-only before bed
NOW: Yep-when I'm too lazy to put on my contacts!
8) Which of your pets were still alive?
THEN: No Pets
NOW: I like children over animals but I don't have one of those either!
9) Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?
THEN: I did date Tollie! (hahahaha)
NOW: I have a few crushes...
10) Who was your celebrity crush?
NOW: Idris Elba
11) How many piercing did you have?
THEN: One in each ear
NOW: Same-even though when I get down 3 dress sizes I'm getting a tiny diamond stud in my nose just like the Indian girls in my neighborhood.
12) How many tattoos did you have?
13) What was your favorite band/singer?
NOW: Paris Hilton (I know but I can't get enough of her song)
14) Had you smoked a cigarette?
THEN: When I was in third grade my daddy had smoked in the garage and I picked up the cig butt and tried to smoke it. Gross!
15) Had you gotten drunk?
Now: Once-with Eddie at Jodie's apartment. I did Tequila shots. I was F**ked up! Never again!
16) What kind of car did you drive?
THEN: Shared my parents 2 cars with 4 people
NOW: A big silver Limo commonly referred to as the "F" train. (or any other train in NY transit)
17) Looking back, are you where you thought you would be in 2006?
No I thought for sure I would be making money acting by now!
Vacation was great. My friends said it felt like I was gone forever, and I couldn't agree more!
I left my digital camera! I need to start carrying it with me so I can add pics to my blog!
It is hard to go back to work after vacation!
I like being a lady of leisure.
Maybe I should have taken that sugar daddy up on his offer...